


Apostasy

by Zee_impala_angel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Depressed Castiel (Supernatural), Depression, Emotionally Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Human Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt/Comfort, POV Castiel (Supernatural), Post-Canon, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 14:48:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18368219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zee_impala_angel/pseuds/Zee_impala_angel
Summary: When Dean tells Castiel he can't stay, the former angel is forced back into a world that wants him dead. Newly human, he will discover what it means to truly be alone and how to navigate being mortal.Set between 9x03 & 9x06





	Apostasy

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been sitting in my docs for probably 3 years. I figured it was time I just posted it and saw what people thought.
> 
> Castiel is my favorite character and it still kills me that SPN never truly explored human castiel. This is my take on how he ended up in Idaho.

°•°  
chapter one  
•°•

 

He couldn't breath. 

The world was crashing around him, any sign of escaping deteriorating with every second that passed. As an angel the world had seemed so small, every corner accessible with the blink of a human eye, but now the world felt infinite. As if he could walk for the rest of his mortal life and still never see even a fraction of what was out there. A tightness filled his chest as his grip tightened around the $200 in his hand, heart beating rapidly as the Impala drove off without him.

_“This should get you a bus to wherever you want to go.”_

What was he supposed to do now? Dean had told him to take a bus, but to where? What destination would be any safer for him than the places he had already been? He hadn't wanted to go anywhere, not understanding why he couldn't have just stayed in the Bunker. Why the Winchesters had gone looking for him and taken him to the bunker if they hadn't wanted him there to begin with? Dean had ushered him out so fast he hadn't even had a chance to say goodbye to Sam or even Kevin, If they had even wanted to say goodbye. The thought intensified the already tight feeling growing in his chest. Perhaps they hadn't wanted him around after all. Maybe that was why he was now standing on the side of the street, staring at the taillights of the Impala as they became smaller and smaller in the darkness.

How did he get there? Standing at a bus station, graceless and alone, $200 dollars in his hand and a perfectly good home driving away from him? He never meant for it all to happen. The angels falling, betraying his family, all of it. All he had wanted to do was help, to stop the fighting and bring peace. Instead, he ended up creating more fighting and brought chaos to this world, again. 

Maybe this was death. Maybe Metatron had killed him and this was an angel version of purgatory. The idea of being tortured for the rest of eternity feeling far more welcoming than being human and left to fend for himself. Sure he had been around since the dawn of time, but his existence was as an angel. Being human, so far, felt….odd. He was occupying the same vessel he had been for the past however many years and yet it felt itchy. Heavy in ways it never had before, but also lighter in different ways. Normally he felt he was trapped inside the vessel but now it felt as if he was the vessel himself. 

The only problem was how he felt foreign to his own body. His chest rose and fell with every breathe, eyes blinking without a thought. His hand was starting to cramp from gripping the duffle as tight as he had been and his mouth still tasted like the burritos he had eaten back at the bunker. There were millions of sensations from sounds to smells to tastes and touch happening every moment of everyday ever since the moment he crashed landed on earth just a few days before. Nothing compared to the feelings he couldn't even explain. The ones that sometimes weighed heavily in his chest and other times made him feel helpless, like he was floating away in the wind, a feeling he was currently experiencing.

Turning slowly he looked up at the illuminating BUS sign, stuffed the $200 in his pocket and grabbed the duffle bag of clothes Dean had packed for him off the ground trudging his way down the sidewalk towards the front doors. All the lights were off inside and the sign he could see as he got closer to the front doors told him they were closed. He pulled on the doors anyways, a lame attempt to find some sort of catharsis. When the doors surprisingly didn't open he leaned forward, his head pressed up against the locked door as he took a deep breath closing his eyes. His family was hurting, probably scared of a strange new world that many had never even stepped foot on and he was standing at a bus station, at midnight, feeling sorry for himself.

“The next bus is at 3am.” 

Castiel opened his eyes and turned to look over his shoulder. A boy, maybe 20 or so, sat at a bench just a few feet from him, head tilted up from under the hat propped forward over his eyes. He looked as tired as Castiel felt, a heavy jacket draped around his shoulders as he practically clung to the backpack sitting on his lap. On instinct Castiel attempted checking if the stranger was an angel, stretching out grace that wasn't there anymore. It didn't take him long to realize the mistake, heart rate picking up as fear and vulnerability flared within his fragile human form. Was it possible the stranger was another angel or even another reaper? Would they try and attack him like those before? 

What felt like an eternity passed before the boy finally shrugged and looked away, slinking back on the bench and tilting his chin down allowing the hat to fall back over his eyes. “Just thought you might want to know.”

Castiel blinked, a wave of calm slowly replacing the heavy fear from within. While he could be a human or an angel, it seemed the boy was just being kind to him. Stepping back from the doors he turned all the way around to face him, swallowing back the fear still pulsing under his skin. He nodded awkwardly and smiled.

“….thank you.” The boy didn’t look back at Castiel as he nodded his acknowledgment. 

A gust of wind swept through the entry area, the sound of rustling leaves from the small trees lined along the city's sidewalks replacing the awkward silence between the two strangers. Castiel shivered, a strange tingling sensation shooting through his arms and legs as he felt his body temperature drop. With a quick look around, he spotted another bench on the opposite side of the entry way. Shifting the weight of the duffle bag in his hand he headed over to the bench. If he remembered the time that had flashed across Dean's phone when they had pulled up correctly he had approximately 3 hours till the next bus arrived, might as well get comfortable.

 

The station was eerily quiet, different from the nights he had spent under bridges on his fruitless attempts to get to the brothers. He remembered the hum of vehicles passing above, the chorus of snores from the other homeless humans all huddled together in the cold and the soft ruffling of garbage skirting through the dirt. He remembered the constant creaking of spring beds all piled on top of each other in the men's home, soft and violent coughs from others unable to sleep like himself. The soft breaths of Amy curled up against him not even a day ago when he began to believe things were going to be okay. That he was safe with a human that had shown him more kindness and compassion than any other human had yet. He shifted uncomfortably on the bench at the memories that followed. 

He had died. 

It hadn’t been the first time he’d experienced death, but it had been the first as a human. He hadn't expected it to hurt as much as it did, all the deaths as an angel paling in comparison. There was a flash of calm and painlessness that always flooded him as an angel, but as a human all there was was pain. Heavy, dark, excruciating pain that engulfed his entire being. He would never admit it out loud, but he had also experienced happiness. Knowing he could leave all the pain and suffering behind made the death tolerable. It wasn't until he awoke once more that he started to realize being a human was going to be hard. Experiencing hunger, urination and pleasure was one thing, but sadness and hurt was a whole other one. Dean telling him he couldn't stay hurt in ways he's not sure he'll ever understand, a hurt that seemed to grow as the minutes ticked away. 

They had sat in silence for most of the 3 hour drive, questions tangled on his tongue as Dean turned up the music when the car got too quiet. Driving him to Wichita was the best station to start at according to Dean. That once Castiel was there he could find a bus to anywhere he wanted to go. Castiel never said anything, only nodding his acknowledgment as he held back the only word wanting to come out of his mouth; ‘why?’. 

They had stopped at a gas station half way to Wichita. Dean had jumped out of the car so fast Castiel barely caught the ‘be right back’ before the Impala door slammed closed behind him. He had just sat there, hands clasped tightly together in his lap, his right foot shifting up and down rubbing up against the passenger door as he stared after the corner Dean has disappeared around. A younger woman had pulled up to one of the gas pumps, filled her vehicle, purchased a soda with cigarettes and drove off before Castiel had started to worry. He remembered contemplating the possibility of Dean having left him behind before realizing Dean would never leave his beloved car behind. He also remembered it taking all of his willpower to stay in the car and not run off into the night. If Dean was going to leave him behind at least he could have made the decision of when it would happen on his own. Eventually Dean had come back erasing any possibility of Castiel taking any control of his own fate. 

Dean had quietly slid back into the driver's seat, the air growing tight in Castiel's lungs as he waited for Dean to start the Impala again. Instead he handed Castiel the $200 that now sat crumpled in his right pants pocket, the money that was going to take him to a new life, a human life. A few minutes, or eternity, had passed before Dean scoffed, shook his head and started the car. Even now, recalling the memory, he still couldn't help but wonder if Dean had wanted to tell him something. 

Shaking the memories away, he squeezed the duffle sitting between his feet and shoved his hands into the front pockets of the light jacket Dean had given him. It provided a small amount of warmth, just enough to allow a small shiver to run down his spine. In a few short hours he would begin his journey alone as a full human male. 

 

°·°·°·°·°·°·°·°·°·°·°

 

A loud hissing noise had Castiel jerking awake. There was a bus pulling into the station, the display reading Austin at the top. He didn't remember having fallen asleep, but if the quick pulse of his heart beating against his chest and the strange tingling under his skin was anything to go by, he had definitely slept longer than he had intended. Even the boy from earlier was no longer sitting in the bench across the way, a small feeling of sadness sitting in his gut at the revelation. 

Dropping his head back against the bench, he closed his eyes and took a breath. His human body felt heavy, that strange tingling feeling still fizzing under his skin. It was strange, feeling his body react to the noises and sensations around him, the sounds of people exiting the bus in front of him echoing through his head. It was as if the new people were standing all around him, growing closer and closer trying to suffocate him. Was this normal? Did all humans experience this? Did it have a name? It certainly wasn't the first time he experienced it, a very vivid memory of ambulances, hot dogs and angry humans flooding his senses. 

Taking a few more deep breaths he leaned forward and opened his eyes before looking back at the front doors. He could see lights on and a few other people standing inside. There was an employee behind a window that seemed to be giving out tickets to the people she spoke with. Grabbing his bag, he stood up and headed inside. 

A big screen above the window told him the bus sitting outside would be heading to Chicago and that the ticket would cost $200. A rumbling in his stomach reminded him that he hadn’t eaten since the burritos at the bunker and It probably wouldn’t be a good idea to spend all the money he had without grabbing something to at least munch on. The next bus would be heading to Denver and the ticket only cost $140, however, It would be another few hours till that bus arrived.

“Next.”

Castiel looked down at the woman sitting behind the window. She wasn't looking at him, her eyes fixed on the computer sitting at her left. A man approached her and rattled off his desired destination. Without looking at him, she typed away before ripping off a ticket and handing it to him under the window. The man nodded a thanks and walked out, staring at his ticket as he made his way past Castiel still standing in the entryway. 

“Next!” With one last glance up at the board, he made his way over to the window. 

Without taking her eyes off the computer, she greeted him. “How can I help you?”

Hesitantly, he dropped his bag at his feet. “Uh, I need a bus ticket?”

Still not looking at him, she clicks away on her mouse. “Where we headed?”

 

Castiel stared as she continued to click away. For reasons he didn't know, her lack of eye contact made him feel weird, those same feelings from last night tapping away in his head. “Denver.” 

“How many tickets?” She asks. 

He opened his mouth to respond but nothing came out. Finally, she looked up at him. He was uneasy with her ignoring him, now he was more uneasy with her complete attention. 

A child shouting pulled his attention away. The most likely 5 year old plopping onto the ground in a tantrum waking up anyone that wasn't already awake. He watched as the mother shuffled the diaper bag and luggage awkwardly around her shoulders as she attempted to grab the toddler. She was embarrassed, he could tell, and for some reason her struggle made him feel a tiny bit better about his own. He wasn't the only one in this station having a bad day. 

“Sir?”

Castiel jumped, looking back at the woman behind the counter.

“Sorry. What was your question?”

Her eyes scanned his face as she shifted her body to face him directly. The bags under her eyes told him she also had a bad night, but her eyes showed compassion. He relaxed at the new body language. 

“How many tickets will you need today?” 

He sighed, looking down at the counter. “Just 1.”

“One way or round-trip?”

She had a beautiful red color on her short nails. Some of the color was stripped off the thumbs. He wondered what caused it. 

“One way.”

Her lips turned into a small smile. He smiled back as a reflex. Humans liked smiling sometimes. It was infectious. 

She typed away, asking him a few more question, exchanging money, and then soon enough she was handing him the dreaded ticket. He reached for it and tried to take it but she didn't let go. He looked back up at her. 

“This ticket only works for this specific bus.” She pointed to a spot on the ticket. “This is your bus number. The display on the side of the bus will have this same number. Keep this with you and hand it to the attendant when you go to board. They'll scan it and hand it back. You will need it the entire trip so keep it in a safe place. Do not lose this.”

He nodded, relief flooding him with the knowledge he didn't know to ask for. “Thank you very much.”

She smiled, more sincere this time. “You're very welcome Mr. Novak. Have a safe trip to Denver.” With a small nod, he grabbed his bags and headed back outside. 

·°·°·°·°·°·°·°·°·°·


End file.
